Monday, August 11, 2014

Now, it is August

July was a tough month.

I'm not sure why that is. Maybe because it would have been the month that I would finish up my mission. The way that I planned to, that is.
Maybe it's because it would have been when I saw them all again. At the airports with their signs and smiles and hugs.
Maybe it would have been when I would come back to the life that I loved and left for a time, and I was would have been excited to be back.

I can't pinpoint exactly.
But, for whatever reason, July was hard.
Extremely hard.

And now, it's August.
And it's still hard.
Mainly because of how I was in July.
Angry. Depressed. Apathetic. Rude. Inconsiderate.
(I'm in that phase of grieving, I guess.)
I'll be the first to admit it. I've been a pain. I know I have. I've avoided people like the plague, for fear of hurting them or exploding at them, or just because I'm annoyed at them and don't want to deal with them. As those that I do indeed let in, I just become angry and frustrated when they try to help.

It doesn't matter how many words of advice I hear, or bars of chocolates I eat, or martini glasses I smash.
That helps the exterior me.
It does nothing for the interior me. And, unfortunately, the interior me is what demands the most attention. The most healing. And people try.
And try.
And try...

I've shut down. I've set a barricade around me. I want people to come in, but I don't know how to help them through the wall, because there is no door. I forgot to add that part when I was creating it. It's high, and it's hard to get out, and it's hard for people to come in.
And so, what do I do? Yell. Scream.
If they can't feel it, then I will let them hear it.
Which results to... confusion. More hurt. More fear. More exhaustion. And more helplessness.
And not just for me.
More importantly, for those who try to help.
And you can only try getting through a barricaded heart for so long before you have to just move on.

All the negative build up from July caused the most hurt and exhaustion I've ever experienced. The load is so heavy, but I don't know how to give it up. It builds upon me, to the point of exhaustion so severe that I shut down.
I stare at people as they speak to me.
I tune out a lot more than I take in.
It's hard for me to listen to other people's problems.
I watched people became lost for words, after hours of coaxing me. Counseling, spiritual experiences, opinions... nothing worked.

I became selfish.

And now, it is August.
And as I sit in the corner of my barricaded heart, I realize.
I AM NOT WHO I WAS.
My heart is hard. It is not what is was.
I don't LIKE this me.
And, I highly doubt that they do, either.
Or them...

Why do I write this?
One.
I'm sorry to all who have tried, and felt like they failed. Because you didn't. I love you more than you realize. And you help more than you will ever realize.
Two.
I'm deep into this. And it's the worse pain and worse feeling I've EVER experienced. And it's going to take more than a few days to get out. It's going to take a while.

A wise man once told me a phrase that forever changed my perspective on life. I forgot it for a while, but I'm reminded again:
"God doesn't do random."

No. No, he doesn't.
There is no growth in the comfort zone.
I'm going to get out of this barricade.
I'm going to start building a door.
It's not going to happen overnight.
And I'm not doing it alone. I'm going to require a lot of divine help. I want to be who I was before.
I take that back.
I want to be better than I was before.
That's going to require a lot of trust, a lot of change, and a lot of patience.
It's going to require the Atonement, which I know I need in my life again. I'm not a perfect person. I've stumbled a lot lately. But I'm going to keep going forward.

July was tough.
Now, it is August.
What better time to change?  

5 comments:

  1. I think you are letting people in by sharing your blog. I like how you talk about building a door.

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  2. We are here for you, Jensen, and we love you.

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  3. I don't know you, but you and your brother are in my prayers. I can't imagine the pain and sadness you are experiencing.

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  4. I don't know you either and the circumstances of my life are much different than yours but somehow, I am in a very similar place. I get angry that other people just feel so free to live their happy-go-lucky lives that look so perfect. It's a tough place to be when it is so far from your true spirit. However, be gentle and be kind to yourself. Let the grief wash over you. Feel the pain and embrace it, let it surround you then recede as it always does. You will come out on the other side of this someday, maybe not today...but someday. Sending peace.

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  5. This is the 3rd time trying. I feel bad that the other 2 didn't come through after all I typed. Just wanted to say hello & that I am thinking & praying for you & your brother. Every time I am in Pocatello like today, I think how fun it would be to run into YOU !!!

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