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Little bit of Chaos

My home is a disaster. (Mom would not be happy with me right now...) Letters, cards and packages from a variety of caring people, wanting to do anything that they can to help. A basketball signed by the BYU Provo basketball team. Things that have been gathered, sitting in the living room, waiting for voyage to D.I. Things that I want to save. Chocolates. Clothes.

Chaos. A little bit how I feel about life.

These past two weeks have been the slowest and yet the fastest that I've ever experienced in my life.

There are 5 steps in the grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Simple. Yet complicated. Or, my favorite word... Unfigureoutable. Why? Because we all grieve differently. Some people take control of the situation. Some people handle things well. If you're like me, you go on "shut-down, don't talk to me" mode.

Which may not be the best way to handle a funeral. Because I wanted nothing more than to just run away from the world and hide.

But, who's going to leave a young grieving woman and her brother alone, when they just lost their mother, father, and two brothers?




(Dang, why were you four so dang POPULAR?)

There's something about funerals that makes everyone come out of hiding, so that they can tell you how much they love you.

Condolences comes in many forms:
"I played basketball with your dad. He was the greatest!"
"Keegan was so sweet! He was going to be my first date!" (Ya... You and 20 others...)
"You're mom could make anyone laugh. I will miss her."
"Liam was going to pass the sacrament that Sunday, right? Well, at least he is in a happier place!"



Or, my favorite...

"Is there ANYTHING that we can do for you?"

Which, at that time, I think it is fair to consider that 3 days before, I flew in,  to pick out 4 caskets just 4 hours later. I had to make more decisions in my life than I ever had before in my entire life. I had never really had a moment to myself. My brother and I had been interviewed for KPVI News Channel 6, which had spread virally all over Facebook. I had just seen my family for one of the last times. There was  one thing I really wanted to ask...

"Can you bring my family back?" 



That is all I need right now.

The viewing was crowded. The funeral was overflowing...

And yet, even being amidst all the people, both that I knew, and didn't know, and regardless that I and my brother were the "stars of the show," I've never felt so alone in my life...

Which, made me think of another person. He spent his last night eating dinner with 12 of his dearest friends, knowing that one of them would betray him just hours later. He spent his last night in a garden, suffering and pleading with his Father in Heaven, asking for an easier way to fulfill his divine responsibility while here on this earth, yet willing to accept his Father's will, while his friends slept just a bit away, because they were too tired to stay up. His last day was spent among a crowd, even bigger than the one I was experiencing, but instead of consoling him and telling him that everything would be ok, they mocked him, and spit on him, and placed a crown of thorns on his head. His last few moments was spent on a cross, nails in his hands, wrists, and feet... And even for a few moments,  his Father had to leave him... So that he could experience what it would be like to be UTTERLY, COMPLETELY alone...

And he did it, so that at this precise moment of my life, I WOULDN'T be alone.
And he did it, so that not only would I not be alone, but I would be with Mom, Dad, Keegan, and Liam, along with Ian, again. And we will be a family forever...
We already ARE a family forever.

And after I realized that... Things were ok for a little bit. Not all the way fixed. But for now, it was ok.

My house is chaos. I haven't cleaned it yet. But that's ok. Because this week, I'm going to start organizing. And I'll take it one day at a time. And maybe I'll ask some people to help. I can't do it all alone.

Life isn't so bad when the Savior is near.

5 blessings:
-My family is a forever family.
-So many people want to support my brother and I.
-The Atonement is real.
-I don't have to figure out everything right now this minute.
-Peace is real.

Comments

  1. I love this. You are so strong. I am so sorry for your loss. I know there isn't anything I can do for you, but I am praying for you. I lost a dear friend of mine so I can relate to the grieving and it is hard. One thing that got me through was reading a book called Tear Soup. I can send you a copy if you'd like.

    I'm also glad you can still think of the Savior during this difficult time and stay close to Him because I know He can heal our hearts. If there is a talk that reminds me of this, it is Elder Holland's talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/none-were-with-him?lang=eng

    ReplyDelete
  2. You write so beautifully. Your testimony blows me away. My prayers are still with you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love your testimony and your honest approach to grief. If your interested, I discovered a very helpful book.
    You can email me at amchace@gmail.com

    here are a couple of thoughts from it.


    - There are no absolutes in grief. There are no reactions so universal that all, or even most, people will experience them. Many grievers do experiences some very common responses. 1. Reduced concentrations 2. A sense of numbness 3. disrupted sleep patterns 4. changed eating habits and 5. roller coaster of emotional energy

    There is only one unalterable truth: All relationships are unique. -

    I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks. You put so beautifully into words what so many of us feel about the atonement. I wish I could express myself as beautifully as you. You have touched my heart with your perfect description of being alone... yet not being alone. The Savior is always with us.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beautiful spoken. *hugs & lots of love*

    LauraH from Vancouver

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jensen, keep writing! I know it helps. Thanks for making your feelings public. Mark enjoyed time with Ian a few days ago and just, "tried to make him laugh." I am sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So beautifully worded. My heart aches for you and Ian.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What an eloquent, inspired post! I was in tears as I read your words about the Savior and what he had to suffer, and as I thought about all that you have been through.....may the strength of He who suffered all things bring you peace and comfort always!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to drehiaghe the great messenger to the oracle of dr ehiaghe healing home,I narrated my problem to dr ehiaghe about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later,My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact dr ehiaghe on his personal email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: ehiaghespellhome@gmail.com and your problem will be solve.


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  11. Thank you so much for your beautiful testimony. It moved me to tears. I cannot relate to your situation but I appreciate your insight and willingness to share. Sending as much love as a stranger can, without seeming completely creepy. :) <3

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for sharing your testimony. It brought me to tears because I know in my heart you are speaking the truth. Xoxo

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  13. You're incredible. I hope you know that.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    <3

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