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The Star of the Show

"If life were a movie, I'd be the star... haha that is how chaotic my life is..." - Me via a text message to one of my best friends.
And it's very true...

A little over a month has passed since everything has happened. It feels almost as if a lifetime has happened! So full! So much can happen in such little time...

And so many emotions can happen in such little time. It's kinda of crazy, really. 

I've been the angriest that I've ever been. I've been the saddest that I've ever been. I've been the numbest I've ever been. I've also been at some of my happiest points. 

Something interesting about after a tragedy happens; you CLING to the happy moments. You cling to anything that makes you feel good. You'll jot down notes to yourself, "This is good. This makes me happy." Because you don't want to lose that happiness. You want a taste of the familiar.

Really, I don't know what I need to say. I don't know if I'm doing this for myself, or maybe for someone else that needs it. I always have this hope that SOMETHING that I say will help someone get through today, and tomorrow, and the next day. I just hope that something will inspire me. That's why I haven't written in a while. Nothing really has...

And then, I realized, that the reason why that is, is because my priorities were not what they were before.

On my mission, I had the spirit with me constantly. I was up by 6:30, and I was diving into the scriptures by 8:00 in the A.M., searching for something, some inner meaning that I needed to know, something that my Father in Heaven needed me to know for that day. I was teaching people about the Savior, and of the plan of happiness that is for all of us. I was testifying in a language that I don't think I would have been able to learn without that spirit that I constantly sought for! I was surrounded! And not only that, but I taught people about that spirit, and that we needed to have it with us always!

"... Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." -Moroni 12:6

Life became crazy when I came home.
Confusing.
Frustrating.
Tiring.

And sometimes, when life becomes like that, we slide a little. We are tossed and turned with "the mighty winds" and the "shafts in the whirlwind." And the "storm beats upon you" and it "drag[s] you down." (Helaman 5:12)

This has been the biggest trial of my faith. And I am weak. So very weak.

But, I am also strong.

There is power in the scriptures. So much power. And for a little bit, I forgot a little.

But, that's why there is repentance.

I started reading again. That spirit was back. It didn't necessarily leave me. He wouldn't do that. But, He was just merely waiting by the side, waiting patiently for me to invite Him back.

There is help from all sides. And we are entitled to that help, IF WE SO CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT.   
 
Even the star of the show needs her supporting roles to help her through the crazy times.

5 Blessings:
1. I have the scriptures in my life, most particularly the Book of Mormon.
2. I have awesome friends and family here to support me.
3. I have friends and family and a whole army of missionaries supporting me back in Vancouver, Washington.
4. I am comforted at times that I need it.
5. I can always have the hope and choice that tomorrow will be better than today.

Comments

  1. You inspired me and we have never met. I know the feeling of being so weak yet strong. I know the feeling of being tossed to and fro. It's so hard to harness into something that is manageable and makes sense. Inviting the Spirit is the only way but way does that feel so hard sometimes? Thank you for being honest. Your words tonight were perfect.

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  2. Thanks Jensen..... your dad must be do proud of how you are handling this, and the great women you are becoming!

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  3. I'ts good to hear from you. Your writing is always so sincere and effortless, it's a beautiful thing. It is hard to be the star when you don't ask for it, but with humility and letting the holy spirit work within you it will definitely be a comfort to you and to others.
    love you!

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  4. Jensen.....I met you briefly during the time I lived in Chubbuck while my husband was going to school. Your cousin Andrea Ploehn and I became dear dear friends...not sure if you remember me! Anyway, I just want you to know that you have prayers for you and your brother coming all the way from the GREAT WHITE NORTH (Canada). I have been following your story closely and have been so impressed with your faith and strength during such a devastating loss. You are truly a light to the world, and through your good and bad days I hope you will always remember that. "Someone needs your star, someone needs the light you have inside...you were meant to shine!" That is a song that comes to mind when I think of you sharing your raw thoughts and feelings here on your blog, being a STAR and trying to seek the good even though your heart may be breaking! As I said goodnight to my almost 14 year old son tonight and told him how blessed he was, I shared with him your story and the tragedy that left you and your brother alone here on earth without your parents and siblings......tonight in a small bedroom in Lethbridge, Alberta Canada...you were that star.....I know he felt a gratitude for his blessings that he otherwise may have taken for granted. Keep shining!
    EMILY BOEHME

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  5. This is beautiful. It was just what I needed to read today. Thank you.

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