The Newest of "Normals"

I remember that night as if it were yesterday.

I remember that the living room light in the apartment was off, but the kitchen light was on. I remember I was wearing an old EFY T-shirt with pink cotton pajama bottoms. I remember that whole day was a good one, a great one even- we had had dinner with an amazing family and had a great spiritual lesson. We were on a spiritual high from the day, excited and ready for our break the next day, excited to be able to check our emails, excited to talk to our families.

I remember kneeling next to my bed, saying my night prayers. I remember saying, “Please bless Mom, Dad, Keegan and Liam at home. I’m grateful to be able to talk to them tomorrow.” I remember the knock at the door right at the end of my prayer. Confusion seemed to buzz throughout the apartment as the six of us girls poked our heads out of rooms, wondering, “Who is knocking at 10:30 at night?”

I remember seeing my mission president and his wife, their faces sad, scared, nervous. I remember his tree trunk arms embracing me while his tears soaked into my shirt. My heart racing, my pulse beating. What happened?

I remember thinking I misheard him when he told me there was an accident at home, and that my parents and brothers were dead. I’m partially deaf- that’s totally valid. I remember being silent when I realized for once in my life, my ears heard perfectly when I wanted them to be lying. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. So I left.

I left and entered my room, kneeling in the same place and position I had just been just minutes before. “Why God? What did I do wrong?”

I remember feeling things would never be the same.

And I was right.

From the moment of realizing my world was changing, to the moment I watched them be buried, through the moments of anxiety, depression, anger, then acceptance, my life was not the same. The terrifying moments when I felt alone, the strong moments when I felt supported, those moments when I had to push myself, those moments I had to hold back… in every moment, my life was not the same.

I described it as a new normal.

Slowly the new normal became just a normal. And I was ok.

Then, I became a mom.

And that feeling of knowing things would never be the same happened again.

It’s an adventure, it’s unknown, it’s exciting, it’s intimidating, it’s scary, it’s joyful, it’s humorous, it’s humbling, it’s frustrating, it’s beautiful, it’s miraculous.

And from now on, I want to share these moments. The fun, the frustrating, the scary, the joyful, the humorous, the humility.

I want to be open and raw with the adventures of parenthood, and the things I find that works for us and the things that don’t. Some posts will be funny, some will be hard, some will be humbling. I hope to share with you what it is like being a mom without a mom or dad, and how I am learning to live with it. I hope to share with you the beautiful moments I learn.

Because that’s what this whole experience is: a learning process.  

It’s all a new normal.