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"When Life gives you Lemons: A lesson from a glass of Lemonade"

My heart stopped pounding and mellowed out at the words, "Please know that we are indeed grateful for your work, but we have no positions open at the moment." This was it: the moment of truth. The truth was, I didn't make it. The truth was, even though I had worked hard and done what I could, in the end, this job wasn't in the plan.

The tears didn't come initially. In fact, my first thought was honestly, "Ok. Well, that didn't work out. Just gotta think of a new plan! Hopefully, Jake will get his position, and that will work out better anyways." No, those tears didn't come until about an hour or so later, when the negativity started to fill my head.
You aren't good enough. You suck.  All those hours of preparation, and this is what you get? You failed.
Those thoughts filled my head for the rest of the day into the next, while I was preparing to go to work for a job that in the end, I wouldn't have in about a month. Those words seemed to gnaw…
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"Dear Students..."

Dear seminary students,

I get it.

I know that it's hard having the new student teacher. I've been there. I remember being a freshman and being moved from one of the best teachers to the "new guy." He was weird and awkward. My desire to go to seminary dramatically decreased. Going to class felt like having 2 cement blocks for feet, and dragging myself into the classroom felt like a chore. I dreaded it, but I knew he was trying. I remember I tried to help him out by answering questions, but there was only so much I could do before it became too much. He needed other students to answer, and nobody wanted to do it.
He didn't get hired.

So, I promise I get it. Really, I'm not that much older than you. Heck, I'm young enough to be your older sister!

But, I want to thank you. Thank you for showing up to class everyday. You are here because whether or not you want to be here, you made the choice to do so.

Dear students,

I get it.

Life is insane right now, and hig…

The Powers of Anxiety Girl

As a kid, my biggest fears went in this order.

1. I would get kidnapped from my house.
2. I would be killed in my sleep.
3. Something bad would happen to my mom and dad or any of my brothers.

I was never kidnapped, nor was I ever killed in my sleep.

*** 
The most unfigureoutable thing about tragedies is the aftermath. With that, the other most unfigureoutable thing is how long the aftermath lasts.

For me, that aftermath was depression for a little while, then anxiety. Still anxiety. And the funny thing about anxiety is, well, it sort of becomes like a super power.

Allow me to explain all the different super powers of anxiety.

1. You are pro at thinking about all the possible conclusions for every situation. 
Most of these conclusions tend to be somewhat pessimistic, but your ability to think ahead skyrockets.


This is normally the train of thought of an anxious person. Observe example A: "SHOOT! I didn't finish that assignment! Now that I didn't finish that assignment, I…

The Natural Human Instinct

My dad was white.
My mom was black.
But I didn't know it.

I was young, maybe 6 or 7. I remember being in a store with Mom, and seeing 2 men talking. We were close enough to hear them talking. I couldn't tell you the exact conversation that was had between them. I remember the look on my mom's face. It was not her normal happy and ambitious face. She had a look of disappointment and a little sadness. I didn't know why. She wouldn't tell me.

Later that night sitting around the dinner table, my parents were talking. Ian ate happily, but I couldn't help but try to listen. I looked back and forth at their lips, trying to catch what they were talking about. I don't remember the exact conversation, but I do remember knowing she was talking about the two men. My mother said something about how one man was "black." I was confused.

Mom, what does a "black man" mean? 

They looked at me, then each other. My daddy simply said, "It just means his …

Power within Insecurities

It was late.
My husband was sound asleep, and knowing that he would be waking up in just a couple of hours for work, I didn't want to wake him. My heart was pounding, my breathing was shallow, and my body would not calm down. My panic attack was taking over my mind, it started imagining the worse. 
What are the worse possible things that could happen with this new job? The worse thing could be that no one will like me. Maybe I won't be good enough. Maybe I won't be able to keep up with all the responsibilities that I am going to be putting on my shoulders. 
What some people may not realize about panic attacks, especially those attacks that accompany PTSD, is that expecting the worse is not always pessimism. It's not easy to just "flip the switch." It just is. It's how the mind is processing information. It's not accurate, it's biased, and it perceives the bias as truth. And so at this moment, I felt like every possible thing that could go wrong wou…

The Strength of a Sea Turtle

H O L A from Puerto Vallarta!

***

As my husband and I were walking along the beach, I looked down and saw what looked like a black rock. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was a baby sea turtle! At first, it appeared that it wasn't moving. I believed it was dead, having been sitting in the sand for who knows how long. But then I realized that it moved its head ever so slightly. It was alive!

Those who know me know that I am a sucker for animals. I picked it up and kept staring and staring. A boat watcher who had noticed us came up. He asked if it was a turtle, and we said yes. He took the turtle from my hands and inspected it, then shook his head, and said, "He will probably die."

I asked if we could just put it in the ocean. He proceeded to explain to us that the turtle had to find the sea on its own. The mother turtle makes its nest, then leaves. The baby turtles hatch and they use their flippers to find the waves of the ocean, which does two things for them:

1. T…

A Letter for a Mother- A Mother's Day post

Dear Mom,

I cried a little this morning when I woke up. I wasn't sure why I was at first. Then I realized it's Mother's Day. It's like my body and brain automatically respond to these things.

It's not that Mother's Day makes it any harder. I don't miss you any more than I missed you yesterday, last week, or 2 years ago. It's just more of an emphasis of just how much I miss you. Mother's Day is here, and I can't physically tell you how much I appreciate you.

Everywhere, people are posting pictures of their moms. I never did that when you were alive. Selfies weren't as popular. Now the only pictures that I can use are old ones from 5 years ago, because you never liked having your picture taken. You didn't think you looked good in pictures, which was ridiculous, because you were so beautiful.

People post their pictures and statuses. But I feel that me doing that wouldn't do justice. Posting statuses about how much I miss you is not goi…