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A message from a Daddy

I need to find it.

The back room/guest room/storage room's bookcase is filled with books from friends and dvds from my parents' house. At the bottom of the bookshelf, I see them: binders full of letters from my mission. Every letter that was ever written to me, most of the emails ever sent, are stuffed in those binders.

I pull them out. Where do I begin?

I flip page after page, letter after letter, until I realize that the words spoken at my setting apart, the words my mom had typed out for me to read, the words I am looking for, would most likely be in an envelope, and if it's in an envelope, it would be in one of the binders' pockets. So I start looking.

Flip flip... pull pull... "Not that one..."
Next binder.
Flip flip... pull pull... "No..." 
Last binder.
Flip... 

Something catches my eye. Not an envelope. An email that has been printed.

On it says, "How is my precious girl?"

It's an email from Dad.
I can't help myself.
I sit down…
Recent posts

Total Eclipse- The 1% Difference

To others, the land would be nothing less of desolate. Sage brush infest the ground, growing up to a man's knee, as far as the eye can see. When the wind blows, the dust of the ground lifts up, sometimes circling in the air, a cloud on the ground that one can walk through. Surrounding this land, mountains stand majestically, protecting anything from coming out, and even more importantly, keeping anything from coming in.

Arco, Idaho. Little Loss River. The land of desolate, a place where not many would come. And it is perfect for us.

The sun bares down on us as we look up, eyes covered by our solar glasses, all of us excited. We are about to experience a natural phenomenon- a solar eclipse. The kids are excited, exclaiming, "Look! Can you see! WHOA!" To the naked eye, it appears to be just the sun, yet with the glasses, we see the reality- the moon slowly but surely covering the sun. To me, it's a juxtaposition-the lesser light covering the greater.

We sit, anticipati…

When Life gives you Lemons: A lesson from a glass of Lemonade

My heart stopped pounding and mellowed out at the words, "Please know that we are indeed grateful for your work, but we have no positions open at the moment." This was it: the moment of truth. The truth was, I didn't make it. The truth was, even though I had worked hard and done what I could, in the end, this job wasn't in the plan.

The tears didn't come initially. In fact, my first thought was honestly, "Ok. Well, that didn't work out. Just gotta think of a new plan! Hopefully, Jake will get his position, and that will work out better anyways." No, those tears didn't come until about an hour or so later, when the negativity started to fill my head.
You aren't good enough. You suck.  All those hours of preparation, and this is what you get? You failed.
Those thoughts filled my head for the rest of the day into the next, while I was preparing to go to work for a job that in the end, I wouldn't have in about a month. Those words seemed to gnaw…

"Dear Students..."

Dear seminary students,

I get it.

I know that it's hard having the new student teacher. I've been there. I remember being a freshman and being moved from one of the best teachers to the "new guy." He was weird and awkward. My desire to go to seminary dramatically decreased. Going to class felt like having 2 cement blocks for feet, and dragging myself into the classroom felt like a chore. I dreaded it, but I knew he was trying. I remember I tried to help him out by answering questions, but there was only so much I could do before it became too much. He needed other students to answer, and nobody wanted to do it.
He didn't get hired.

So, I promise I get it. Really, I'm not that much older than you. Heck, I'm young enough to be your older sister!

But, I want to thank you. Thank you for showing up to class everyday. You are here because whether or not you want to be here, you made the choice to do so.

Dear students,

I get it.

Life is insane right now, and hig…

The Powers of Anxiety Girl

As a kid, my biggest fears went in this order.

1. I would get kidnapped from my house.
2. I would be killed in my sleep.
3. Something bad would happen to my mom and dad or any of my brothers.

I was never kidnapped, nor was I ever killed in my sleep.

*** 
The most unfigureoutable thing about tragedies is the aftermath. With that, the other most unfigureoutable thing is how long the aftermath lasts.

For me, that aftermath was depression for a little while, then anxiety. Still anxiety. And the funny thing about anxiety is, well, it sort of becomes like a super power.

Allow me to explain all the different super powers of anxiety.

1. You are pro at thinking about all the possible conclusions for every situation. 
Most of these conclusions tend to be somewhat pessimistic, but your ability to think ahead skyrockets.


This is normally the train of thought of an anxious person. Observe example A: "SHOOT! I didn't finish that assignment! Now that I didn't finish that assignment, I…

The Natural Human Instinct

My dad was white.
My mom was black.
But I didn't know it.

I was young, maybe 6 or 7. I remember being in a store with Mom, and seeing 2 men talking. We were close enough to hear them talking. I couldn't tell you the exact conversation that was had between them. I remember the look on my mom's face. It was not her normal happy and ambitious face. She had a look of disappointment and a little sadness. I didn't know why. She wouldn't tell me.

Later that night sitting around the dinner table, my parents were talking. Ian ate happily, but I couldn't help but try to listen. I looked back and forth at their lips, trying to catch what they were talking about. I don't remember the exact conversation, but I do remember knowing she was talking about the two men. My mother said something about how one man was "black." I was confused.

Mom, what does a "black man" mean? 

They looked at me, then each other. My daddy simply said, "It just means his …

Power within Insecurities

It was late.
My husband was sound asleep, and knowing that he would be waking up in just a couple of hours for work, I didn't want to wake him. My heart was pounding, my breathing was shallow, and my body would not calm down. My panic attack was taking over my mind, it started imagining the worse. 
What are the worse possible things that could happen with this new job? The worse thing could be that no one will like me. Maybe I won't be good enough. Maybe I won't be able to keep up with all the responsibilities that I am going to be putting on my shoulders. 
What some people may not realize about panic attacks, especially those attacks that accompany PTSD, is that expecting the worse is not always pessimism. It's not easy to just "flip the switch." It just is. It's how the mind is processing information. It's not accurate, it's biased, and it perceives the bias as truth. And so at this moment, I felt like every possible thing that could go wrong wou…