Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Unseen Side of a Hero

Life is unfigureoutable.

So, why is it that I am still trying to figure it out?

.........................................................................................................................................................

They were so young.

I really miss Keegs and Lemur. A lot.
It's not that I love them more or less.
I think they were just the most shocking to me.
They still had a whole lot of living to do.

Sometimes, I feel really cheated. Which is probably not the best way to feel.
But I'm beginning to understand that it doesn't really matter if it's wrong or if it's right.
It's how I feel.
It just is what it is.

It was during that year that I was gone that they both began to really grow. When I left, they were just kids.
Well.
When they died, they were just kids...

......................................................................................................................................................

I went to my home ward at church to attend a missionary farewell. I got there a little late. They were passing the sacrament.
Liam's best friend came out. Holding the tray.
For some reason, it just hit me hard.
Really hard.

I went outside.

Liam never even got that opportunity.

I cried a little.
Then, I was frustrated at myself for crying.

FINISH!!

.............................................................................................................................................................

I'm never going to understand this.
When will I just accept that?
It hurts not knowing.

................................................................................................................................................................

Today.
Is.
Not.
A.
Good.
Day.
Today.
Is.
Hard.
Why.
Is.
It.
So.
Hard?
Why.
Are.
They.
Not.
Here?
Why.
Are.
They.
Gone?
All.
Of.
Them.
Even.
Ian.
No, he's not dead.
But he's not here.

They
   should
     not
      be
       gone.
Why
  am
   I
   still
    here?
I
should
  have
    been
      gone
        a
         long
           time
             ago.
               But
                 I'm
                   still
                     here.
                       WHY...

...

Today, I've got nothing.

No words of advice.
No words of encouragement.
No words of hope.

Today, I just can't give it.

Today, I need it.

Today, I just need to write it out.

Get it out.

...

When the day is done,
And the cape comes off,
And the crowd is gone,
Is this what it's like
For the Hero?



Thursday, June 19, 2014

Test the Limits

I miss them.
Bottom line.

People don't tend to ask me how I am doing anymore. I think I'm past that point of being asked. But, I started picking up the habit of asking myself.

"Today, I feel ok."
"Ugh, I do NOT want to get out of bed."
"Today is SUCH a good day!! Can't get much better than this!"
"I hate my life."

It's becoming pretty normal to me now...

.........................................................................

"BATTER UP!"
I really don't want to do this...
"Come on, go bat! It's your turn!"
"No, thank you, I don't play baseball."
"We are all doing it! Come on!"
I can't hit the ball I can't hit the ball I don't play please don't make me do this please don't they are all watching me I can't handle the attention I'll make a mistake I'll look like a fool I can't do this I really can't I hate the attention Don't watch me Don't watch me Don't watch me....
"Your turn, Jensen!"
I'm already at the home base, bat in my hand, not knowing how to position myself. I felt stupid. I could feel the heat of my blushing face getting hotter and hotter.
And for a split strange 5 seconds, my mind thought back.
The viewing.
The funeral.
The news channel.
Work even. Panic began to swell a little.
But only a little.
Because the ball was coming towards me.
Focus, Jens...
I swung. I heard the hit.
I dropped the bat and ran.
Stupidly ran.
Or so I thought...
"That was the best hit of the night!"
"Girl, you did it!"
"Way to go, Jensen!"
"Did you see it fly!?"
Well. No. No, I didn't. I was focus on running to the next base.
Turns out I really can kinda sorta hit a baseball..
Who knew?
He came up to me and gave me a hug.
"I knew you could do it..."
....................................................................

People used to always tell me, "Heavenly Father does not give us more than we are able to handle."
It's kind of like the scripture 1st Corinthians 10:13:
There is no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
I like to replace the word "temptation" and replace it with "trial."
There is no trial taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tested above that you are able; but will with the trial also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
And before, I used to believe it.
My mission taught my otherwise.
Heavenly Father doesn't give us a limit on what we can and can't do. Why would an eternal, immortal, infinite being give us, his children, limitations? That seems kind of seems conflicting, don't you think?
No.
I believe Heavenly Father gives you trials, of which they are a little bit more than you feel that you can bear, so that you stretch yourself.
I believe that Heavenly Father gives you those opportunities to rely on the Savior.
Then, when you look back, you realize how much capabilities that you truly have!
And then, he gives you another one. It's a little bit more of a stretch. It's more complicated. And you keep going. And you keep relying.
It's uncomfortable.
It's not fun.
And you panic and you think, "There is NO way that I can do this!"
But then, somehow, you always do.
Because you have the Lord on your side.
Then you look back and think...
Way to go!
I did it!
Did you see me fly?   
That was my best job yet!
This is a stretch.
This is hard.
The future is somewhat foggy.
But...
I've made it this far.
I think I can go a little bit further.
One day at a time.
And I'd like to think, that one day, when I meet Him, He'll give me a hug and say...
"I knew you could do it."

Monday, June 2, 2014

A Destroyed Glass, a Shattered Phone, and a Stretching Arm

Tonight, I smashed a martini glass from the dollar store.
It's kind of healing, smashing things.
But I didn't just throw it to the ground.
I stood on the little wall, stared at the concrete, and declared my reasoning.
"Freaking A, I want them back!!"

Chuck. Smash. No sound.
Or at least, I thought so.
But then I realized that I wasn't wearing my hearing aid.

"You had a lot of aggression in your throw. It was very loud."

I wish I could have heard it.
I stared at the destroyed glass.
It kind of felt good, seeing something broken.

Later on, the phone fell from my hand.
The screen shattered...

It's 11:30 at night. And I am tired.
But not sleepy tired. It's more than that.
It's exhaustion tired.
Tired of trying to be strong. Tired of trying to be ok. Tired of the constant bills and reminders. Tired of missing them. Tired the hole in my heart. Tired of feeling sorry for myself. Tired of thinking about the future. Tired of avoiding the future.
Tired of not knowing.

It doesn't hurt to breathe. Breathing actually feels good.
It doesn't hurt to move. Moving allows my mind to run.
It doesn't hurt to be around people. Socializing is a great distraction.

It hurts to think. It hurts to feel.


Sometimes, it's ok to break down.

So many people want to help. So many people reach out. And you take what you can, and you extend when you have the physical and mental capacity to reach. But you only have two arms and two hands, and there's so many hands that you can take. So much help. It's almost too much.

The reaching is feeling longer and farther away. It's not even reaching anymore. It's stretching.
And sometimes, it's the stretching that scares me.

I take that back.
It doesn't scare me.
It just plain exhausts me.

How much more must I stretch? I see the goal, and I'm moving. And not getting anywhere. It almost seems that the more I move forward, the farther away the goal is. And the farther away the goal, the fuzzier the image becomes. And the fuzzier the image becomes, the darker the hope is.

I know you're there. I know it's possible.
But I can't do it alone.

The darker the hope, the scarier the future becomes. The scarier the future becomes, the weaker the faith.

I'm not perfect.
I'm not even whole.
I'm scared to make those mistakes.
I don't want to disappoint you...

The weaker the faith, the more I realize...

I'm broken.
I need help.

I realize that this is going to define me. My life is different. It will never be the same again. A broken vessel can be fixed, but it's never that same vessel. It has its cracks. It has its chips.

How is it that the hands of the Divine Potter allows that?

I think He loves broken things.

Not in the sense of loving to destroy things.
It's more in the sense of loving to fix things.

I always used to think that He loved me when I did everything right. When I knew all the answers in seminary. When I obeyed the commandments.

But, I think He loves me even more when I wasn't doing everything right, and I came back. I think He loves me when I'm here, trying to push forward, and praying... no, begging for some sort of comfort, knowing and understanding that it's the only comfort that will make me whole.

Because that is when I put aside my pride, and my fear, and just allow Him to fix me.

And gosh dang it, I need a lot of fixing.

 NOTHING in this world, no matter how great it is at the moment, is going to give us that kind of comfort that we all so desire. And though I'm surrounded by many hands, there's only One hand that I really should reach for.
Or stretch for.

You can't fix a vase with Elmer's glue and tape.

We are all broken. Imperfect.
And He loves us all the more for it.

It's now about 12:15 in the morning.

I'm broken.

But not destroyed.