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The Unseen Side of a Hero

Life is unfigureoutable.

So, why is it that I am still trying to figure it out?

.........................................................................................................................................................

They were so young.

I really miss Keegs and Lemur. A lot.
It's not that I love them more or less.
I think they were just the most shocking to me.
They still had a whole lot of living to do.

Sometimes, I feel really cheated. Which is probably not the best way to feel.
But I'm beginning to understand that it doesn't really matter if it's wrong or if it's right.
It's how I feel.
It just is what it is.

It was during that year that I was gone that they both began to really grow. When I left, they were just kids.
Well.
When they died, they were just kids...

......................................................................................................................................................

I went to my home ward at church to attend a missionary farewell. I got there a little late. They were passing the sacrament.
Liam's best friend came out. Holding the tray.
For some reason, it just hit me hard.
Really hard.

I went outside.

Liam never even got that opportunity.

I cried a little.
Then, I was frustrated at myself for crying.

FINISH!!

.............................................................................................................................................................

I'm never going to understand this.
When will I just accept that?
It hurts not knowing.

................................................................................................................................................................

Today.
Is.
Not.
A.
Good.
Day.
Today.
Is.
Hard.
Why.
Is.
It.
So.
Hard?
Why.
Are.
They.
Not.
Here?
Why.
Are.
They.
Gone?
All.
Of.
Them.
Even.
Ian.
No, he's not dead.
But he's not here.

They
   should
     not
      be
       gone.
Why
  am
   I
   still
    here?
I
should
  have
    been
      gone
        a
         long
           time
             ago.
               But
                 I'm
                   still
                     here.
                       WHY...

...

Today, I've got nothing.

No words of advice.
No words of encouragement.
No words of hope.

Today, I just can't give it.

Today, I need it.

Today, I just need to write it out.

Get it out.

...

When the day is done,
And the cape comes off,
And the crowd is gone,
Is this what it's like
For the Hero?



Comments

  1. Lisa HenryJune 26, 2014 at 7:03 PM

    You are real-there is no shame in mourning. It will be a while before your new normal is settled-I hope you have people near you who you can talk to. I am certain your missionary companions & friends want to be there for you. Sincerely, a Mom from Vancouver

    ReplyDelete
  2. byumomof4June 26, 2014 at 8:39 PM

    Love to you and prayers for you from Vancouver <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. CLarsJune 26, 2014 at 10:38 PM

    You are here; for a great purpose; you're blessed with many gifts and rare strengths; and are the hope of the future; to continue the legacy which your forefathers began... to walk in faith; which faith means not yet seeing or knowing all things, as to where and why and how; for so knowing it becomes clear, thereby no longer being faith but reality.... (Moroni said this, but I can't remember where, in which chapter, so I can't quote him exactly...)

    you taught me faith; you showed me it's value; I had never considered before; you inspire me. My daughter loves you. I felt with you for a moment; it was wierd, that had never happened to me before.

    you are a miracle; you are an example to all of what it is like, to be human, and be sacred...to not understand but believe. you are beautiful. you are riding the winds of this short life, upon this earth, here to make your indeligible mark upon the sons of men, as the instrument in the hands of God, planting His seeds and reaping in His fruitful harvests unto the congregation. May you be blessed; may your heart be comforted.

    ReplyDelete
  4. CLarsJune 26, 2014 at 10:40 PM

    sacred (not a typo of scared, yes, sacred, as in holy); reaping into the congregation, the barns so to speak of the first fruits of God; holy unto Him.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lisa And RandyJune 27, 2014 at 5:08 AM

    Jensen,
    Take it one day at a time, and cry, scream, question, allow the memories to flow. Stifling the emotions will not help you to move forward. Grieving does not have a set schedule nor a time frame. Never let anyone tell you that there is a time frame. You inspire me with your writings. Love you a bunch, and if you ever need to talk, you are always welcome to call or come down, even though Rachael is not here. Take care, and know that you are hugged.

    ReplyDelete
  6. UnknownJune 27, 2014 at 7:32 AM

    Mourning has no time limit to it. It is hard to understand why certain things happen. Remember that you are loved more than you will ever really know. Remember that you have tons of friends and we are all apart of a bigger family that love you and care for you. Yes there is always time that we must get out our thoughts and feelings. We should not leave them inside for a long time. Hang in there, one day you will know why. Hang on to the hope that is in the gospel of Jesus Christ and in His love for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nathan Serving in Salvador BrazilJune 27, 2014 at 11:55 AM

    Jensen, we cry with you, we ask why with you, we feel the pain of their absence with you. We pray for you and Ian every single time we pray. Our Savior Jesus Christ reaches down and hands you your Hero cape to take and put back on when you are ready. He stands beside you every minute. Every second. I love you as I love them. Forever.

    ReplyDelete
  8. JenniferJune 30, 2014 at 10:42 PM

    It takes as long as it takes.

    ReplyDelete

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