Monday, July 7, 2014

Pawns


"What are you up to these days?"

Living life. Figuring it out.

That's what I've started to say every time I'm asked.

But hey.
It's better than, "How are you?"

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"Asking 'why' can be a frustrating, and even dangerous, thing to do."
Wise words of a wise seminary teacher.

The walls have started growing. I can feel them being built around me.
I don't know why.
Maybe because I'm tired of the questions.
Maybe I'm tired of the answers.

There are days when I close up. It happens more often than not.
I don't think I mean to.
It just happens.

There are days when after I've held it in for so long, I blow up. And scare people away.
I don't think I mean to.
It just happens.

There are days where I will randomly cry for no reason at all. A song. A picture. A memory.
I don't think I mean to.
It just happens.

And people get that. They understand. I think, in some ways, they are more patient and understanding about it than I am.

I want to be done with the grieving process.
I know some day, I will be.
It's just a matter of when.
In the meantime...

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I used to think life was a chessboard.
We were pawns.
We were here, doing our thing, waiting for some higher being, (whoever or whatever that higher being is in your head) would tell us what to do, and where to go, and who to love, and what to study, and what job we should get.
You know, that we would pray and ask, and just be TOLD what to do.
He would place us where we needed to be.

How wrong am I.

I realized it one day.
We teach that concept totally and completely wrong.
Ok, maybe not totally and completely.
But slightly.

I've been home for... what? Almost 5 months? We will say 4 1/2.
I came home. Vulnerable. Terrified. Uncertain.
So many nights. So many prayers...
No direct answer.
Only comfort.

Everything that I had planned for myself was gone in an instant. As I am sure it was for a lot of different people. My future for myself, where I would go, what I would study, what job I would get...
Gone.
Not gone, sorry.
But more or less put on hold.
As the days morphed into weeks, then months, those thoughts of the future started to take its toll on me.

What will I do?
Where will I go?
Do I go here?
Of course, I was there before.
I'll study this.

And it didn't seem right.
So.
I adapted. Changed things up.
MADE SOME DECISIONS.
That is the key...

Here I am now. 4 1/2ish months later.
Different plans. Different directions.
But it's still good.

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If there is anything that I have learned this week, it's that we are not pawns.
We will more often than not NOT be told what to do.
But we will be led.

At the moment, it seems that the world has stopped. And you're alone. And the road is foreverrrrrr long, with no shades and no resting places, and you feel inclined to keep going in order to catch up. And you want to run down it, get it done, get it over with.

But then you look back, and you realize... ya. The road is still long. It never shortened.
But you definitely had some help along the way.
Perhaps nudging.

You will always be led, even when you don't think so.
You're not stupid.
You have a brain.
Make the choice.

You may just shock yourself with how much you can do.
And you may just shock yourself with how much you can't do.
And that's ok.

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4 1/2ish months.
I still have bad days.
I have weak spots.
But I am a whole heck of a lot stronger than I was.
And I have a much better idea of what I will do.

Not overnight.
But time.

...

Living life. Figuring it out.

That's what I've started to say every time I'm asked.

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