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A post for a Brother

In about a week, it will have been a year since I should have returned from my mission.

Which means it's been about 18 months since the accident.

Mind blown...

***

How am I doing? 
Fine, I guess.
Good. 
Excellent.
Grand.
Isn't that what I am supposed to say? 

***

Nobody likes a "Debbie Downer." But what about a "Rebecca Realist?" Where is that fine line? 


***

How am I doing?
Fine, I guess.
Today is hard.
Good!
So tired. So so tired...
Excellent!
Struggling, but it's just a phase. It will pass.
Grand!
It has to.
Right?

***

Fact: it's time to move on.
I know. I know that.
And I have. For the most part. But there are still triggers. Stupid blasted triggers. They like to hide and shoot at me from out of nowhere. Pretty normal though. It's not even new anymore.
But, they still surprise me.
Like this morning when I was triggered simply because of a phone call. Or  it may be boredom, not doing anything for X amount of hours can put me over the age. 
Or maybe it's just plain depression. That's the only explanation that I can think of.

***
Last night, I couldn't help myself. I got on Keegan's Facebook page.
It was a hard night. Work had not gone as well as planned, which is all part of life, I know. But man, sometimes people are just heartless.
I stared at his picture.
I don't know why I did it. But I started typing him a message on his wall. Maybe I just needed to get things out of me, vent my frustrations. For whatever reason, I just wanted to talk to my brother. I wanted to talk to him about being married. I wanted to talk about work. I wanted to know what he's been up to. Can he still play basketball in heaven? Or date? Or do gymnastics? I just wanted to have a conversation, like we used to.

Mostly though, I wanted to know his secret.
How was it he was always so happy?

How did you do it, Keegs? 

I typed and typed. I typed until I couldn't anymore. I told him everything I was feeling. I wrote it like a letter. I finished and stared.
...
It's not like he's going to read this. 
...
I know it's been 18 months. I know it's been a while. But when it's you, it doesn't matter how much time has passed. The feeling will sometimes last longer than desired. Sometimes, it kicks you in the gut.

I wanted to send it in a private message.
There wasn't any option of that.
I deleted the message.

***

I wonder what it was like for Jesus's disciples. What was it like when their best friend was gone? Where could they turn to? I'm sure they were more than devastated. It had to have been scarring...

I wonder what it was like when he appeared to them again. I wonder what that feeling is like; to see one that you loved so much who have died to come back and see you, and speak to you.

I wonder what it was like even after he was gone. Did it still hurt, even though they knew where he was? Was it still hard even though they knew that his purpose was done? 

Was it hard knowing that his purpose of living was to die? For them? For all

What was it like when the person who literally had ALL the answers was gone? What was it like when they just wanted to talk to their friend, their leader, their brother, but he couldn't physically speak to them? 

How did they go on?
What was their secret? 

Did they have gut-kicking moments? Did they still grieve? Did they still experience heartache? 

I have a hard time believing that they didn't have some moments like that. Maybe that's just me though. But, they were still human, right? Heroes, but human.

Did it feel like how I feel? 
I can only assume it was.

***

So maybe he couldn't read my post. I won't lie and say that's ok. 
But I know that someday... someday it will be. 
One day, we will talk face to face again. 
I'm sure there will be lots to talk about by then. 

Comments

  1. "Moving forward," allowing the grief to coexist with our joy. Rather than "moving on" as if to shelve all memories in a package never to be opened again...the triggers lurk regardless.

    ReplyDelete
  2. agree with the above. There is no "move on"...it's continuing without. Loving, remembering, building new...always the building new.
    Idle time is when Satan likes to get in and bother us with our trials. Keeping busy, yet still setting the time aside for healthy grieving, through the Atonement, is important. Hugs...and I'd like to say that Keagan read it. I'm certain he isn't far, and he's close when you need him...all of them. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. agree with the above. There is no "move on"...it's continuing without. Loving, remembering, building new...always the building new.
    Idle time is when Satan likes to get in and bother us with our trials. Keeping busy, yet still setting the time aside for healthy grieving, through the Atonement, is important. Hugs...and I'd like to say that Keagan read it. I'm certain he isn't far, and he's close when you need him...all of them. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. agree with the above. There is no "move on"...it's continuing without. Loving, remembering, building new...always the building new.
    Idle time is when Satan likes to get in and bother us with our trials. Keeping busy, yet still setting the time aside for healthy grieving, through the Atonement, is important. Hugs...and I'd like to say that Keagan read it. I'm certain he isn't far, and he's close when you need him...all of them. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. "And to those who grieve, I would say: Go for it. Cry your eyes out. Your tears are not a lack of faith in God or his plan. They are a witness that you have achieved a level of love in your heart that you feel the heartbreaking loss in your very soul. Cry until you are done crying, and stop when you feel it’s time." {source: http://middleagedmormonman.com/home/2012/12/let-it-flow/}

    allow the "triggers." they are evidence of your love for them.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Jen
    I find your blog to be very inspiring and helpful, yet, wished you would have your family there with you too. I am sorry you can'y physically see them anymore, now its more about feeling them and adapting to a new life without them here. I don't know why you feel you have to move on after 18 months. 18 months its just like 1 day. Be gentle with yourself and follow your heart. Only you will know how to grieve and live again. Don't listen to others. People 40 years on after a huge loss are still struggling! I like that you express your emotions in a letter to your brother, its very helpful.
    I hope you will continue writing, and know that, you are watched out for, loved and a help to others. You are important and God is aware of your struggles and happiness. Don't give up. xo

    ReplyDelete
  7. A new normal does not sound like a bad idea. The memories that you had with family will never be replaced. Your story is not only an inspiration but a cure. You are a strong and beautiful daughter of our Heavenly Father. It's okay to cry. It's okay to remember. It's okay to re-live those memories. I pray that you will soar like a hawk and live your life because you are awesome!!!!

    -Janet Toese

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you for touching my life with your powerful testimony. I lost my Mommy in 1987 in a plane crash over Kearns,Utah. My Mommy was baptized but left the church but she completed a most important task and that was to make sure I had the Gospel at the tender age of 8.
    Stay strong and continue to go forward and never forget you didn't lose your family.... You can't if you're LDS and especially if you're sealed in the Temple.
    I am my Mother's legacy.... I try my best to be that daughter she would be proud of.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Praying for you always...... Thank you for sharing.....

    ReplyDelete

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