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If I were to go back...

If I could go back in time, and see myself in different phases of my life, would I? And if I did, which parts of my life would I visit?
Would I change anything? 
Would I say anything?

If I could go back and tell Younger Me anything, what would it be? 
I been thinking about that a lot the last couple of days.

If I could go back, maybe I'd go to newborn baby me. I'd want to see myself, connected to tubes and machines. I'd want to see my lifeless body. I want to really know what it was like. 
I would want to approach 25 year old Dad, as he is worried, crying, praying and begging Heavenly Father to allow me to live. I'd want to say, "Daddy, it's me. I'm 23 now, and I'm alive. You taught me well. You taught me how a man should be. You taught me to be strong. Don't worry, Daddy. I'm gonna be ok."
I would approach 23 year old Mom, exhausted in the hospital bed, uncertain and afraid and traumatized of what had just happened. I'd want to say, "Mom, it's me. I'm going to live. You are strong. So very strong. You've set an example of how I should be as a mother and a wife. And so much more than that, you taught me how to be a friend, and a confidant. You taught me the importance of having a Christ-centered home. You have done so well. Don't be scared, Mom. It's all going to be ok." 


If I could go back and see the Younger Me, I think I would go back to elementary days. I would see the happy go lucky me, and I would say, "Jensen, make sure you stay that way. The world need more happy people." 
I would want to tell her, "Don't be insecure about your hearing impairment, no matter what. You don't know this now, but someday, you are going to serve a mission. You are going to learn Sign Language! And it's going to be hard, but you will be able to do it. When you get the prompting to go, don't fight it. Go! There will be people there that will change your life, and things you will learn and teach that you will have to hold on to when times become super tough. But you're going to be able to do it." 


If I could go back, I'd go to middle school me. I'd say, "Stop WORRYING about how you look! I can assure you, nobody really cares, and no one is really eyeing you. Instead, focus on who you are! This is critical. You NEED to know who you are, and more importantly, WHOSE you are. Yes, this is an awkward point in your life, but I promise, braces and glasses aren't going to last forever. Just be happy with who you are. Don't fall into the trap of negativity and depression. It's not worth it. And it will affect you for a long time after. So please, just don't do it."


If I could go back and visit the Younger Me, I would probably go to 15-16 year old me. I'd approach myself as I'm sitting alone in the hallway, and I'd say, "Jensen, GOOD RIDDANCE! Seriously, friends like that aren't friends at all. What you did was right, and don't think otherwise! Next year, you are going to gain so many new friends, and these friends will remain your friends long after high school. You're 23 now, and you're still friends with most all of these new people you are going to meet. These friends are going to get you through so much, through the hardest trial of your life, and you need friends like that; friends that helps you to remember the positive. Ya, this sucks right now. It does. 2 more weeks, and things will start looking up again. You just need to keep going."

If I could go back, I'd also visit 17-18 year old me. I might say, "Focus on school. You're so close to being done with high school and then you NEVER have to go back! Don't waste your breath on the uncertainty of what's going to happen. I promise, things work out for you. It's not easy, but it works out. That's how life is, really." 

Maybe I'd go back to my college years in Rexburg, Idaho, at BYU-Idaho. I'd watch how I was. I'd see the friends I've gained. I'd smile, because slightly Younger Me doesn't realize yet that these friends are still her best friends 2-3 years later.

I would definitely go back to my mission. I'd want to watch the transformation. I'd see stressed out me in the MTC, in a silent room, with hands waving at me. When Younger Me starts to cry on the third day, I'd say to her, "Don't you dare quit! Don't you dare go back! Don't you dare go back to what you used to be. Your mission will literally save you! You need to be here! One day, you will get this language. I promise! It's not going to happen overnight, but it is going to happen!"
When I would come upon the days when Younger Me feels alone and small, I'd say, "Don't underestimate your work. You have to drink up everything that you learn here, because in just a few short months, you are going to need this. You will hold to it, cling to it. People here love you, and they will miss you when you are gone."

On February 23, 2014, I would sit by Younger Me, and I would let her cry. On that night, I don't think that I would say anything.
On February 26, 27, and 28, I would be standing by her and her brother. I would watch her when she cries as they close her family's caskets. I think I would be waiting for her for when she runs out of the room. I'd make sure to be close for the viewing and the funeral.

And then, on March 1, I would come to her and say, "Jensen. This is going to be the hardest year you have ever experienced, even more so than your mission was. Because, this is part of your mission. But, look at yourself. Look at me. Next year, you will be engaged to that boy you love so much all those years, and you will be doing things that you never thought you would be able to do. You'll be a speaker, a teacher, a friend, a confidant. You will do things because when things are hard, it's better to just DO. Don't give up. Don't do nothing. Be something. Be someone."

If I could go back...
But would I?
Maybe not.

Things are looking up. They really are. Things get better.

When I look back on all of those experiences, I see the Lord's hand from the get go. He was always there. He never left. He never would. He never will.

Life is unfigureoutable.

We lose some. We win many. If we allow it, that is. We are taken care of. We are carried. We are caressed.
We are never alone.

Has he not taken care of me up until now? Would he not continue to do so? 

Comments

  1. Wow thanks so much for your insight! I really needed to read this today! I have really enjoyed following your blog!
    You don't know me but I am friends with your cousin Brittani Pincock Baca and I'm a member of the Pinehurst NC Ward.
    The Gospel of Jesus Christ is so powerful & amazing how it connects us all!

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. I love this. What a great post about learning from the past instead of being consumed by regrets. I tried to friend you on Facebook. I am a young (well, probably not to you, I just turned 40 :) widow blogger. I'm working on a website to help people get through with several other widow bloggers. I would love to talk to you about using your blog. My blog is not4naught.blogspot.com. My email is veronicaclarke@byu.net. I would love to talk with you sometime.

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  4. Jensen,

    My sister told me about your blog today. Having read through a number of your posts, I am grateful to have found you. My sister and I have something in common with you. We lost our parents and 2 siblings in an automobile accident in 1978. At the time I was 6 and my sister 5. We are also LDS and both served missions. So, we can relate with you in a way very few can.

    We have coped with their passing differently as we were very young at the time. But, decades later, we still feel the ups and downs this sort of thing brings. Nonetheless, now that we are both married with children of our own, we have come to know many spiritual truths we might not have known otherwise. They feel to sacred or too personal to share in this sort of venue. We would enjoy speaking with you and your brother if you would like.

    I am so glad you have your brother as I am forever grateful I still have my sister. i hope your find as much comfort in your brother as I do in my sister

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