I would definitely go back to my mission. I'd want to watch the transformation. I'd see stressed out me in the MTC, in a silent room, with hands waving at me. When Younger Me starts to cry on the third day, I'd say to her, "Don't you dare quit! Don't you dare go back! Don't you dare go back to what you used to be. Your mission will literally save you! You need to be here! One day, you will get this language. I promise! It's not going to happen overnight, but it is going to happen!"
When I would come upon the days when Younger Me feels alone and small, I'd say, "Don't underestimate your work. You have to drink up everything that you learn here, because in just a few short months, you are going to need this. You will hold to it, cling to it. People here love you, and they will miss you when you are gone."
On February 23, 2014, I would sit by Younger Me, and I would let her cry. On that night, I don't think that I would say anything.
On February 26, 27, and 28, I would be standing by her and her brother. I would watch her when she cries as they close her family's caskets. I think I would be waiting for her for when she runs out of the room. I'd make sure to be close for the viewing and the funeral.
And then, on March 1, I would come to her and say, "Jensen. This is going to be the hardest year you have ever experienced, even more so than your mission was. Because, this is part of your mission. But, look at yourself. Look at me. Next year, you will be engaged to that boy you love so much all those years, and you will be doing things that you never thought you would be able to do. You'll be a speaker, a teacher, a friend, a confidant. You will do things because when things are hard, it's better to just DO. Don't give up. Don't do nothing. Be something. Be someone."
If I could go back...
But would I?
Things are looking up. They really are. Things get better.
When I look back on all of those experiences, I see the Lord's hand from the get go. He was always there. He never left. He never would. He never will.
Life is unfigureoutable.
We lose some. We win many. If we allow it, that is. We are taken care of. We are carried. We are caressed.
We are never alone.
Has he not taken care of me up until now? Would he not continue to do so?