A New Normal

Life is unfigureoutable. So, why is it that I am still trying to figure it out? ......................................................................................................................................................... They were so young. I really miss Keegs and Lemur. A lot. It's not that I love them more or less. I think they were just the most shocking to me. They still had a whole lot of living to do. Sometimes, I feel really cheated. Which is probably not the best way to feel. But I'm beginning to understand that it doesn't really matter if it's wrong or if it's right. It's how I feel. It just is what it is. It was during that year that I was gone that they both began to really grow. When I left, they were just kids. Well. When they died, they were just kids... ...................................................................................................................................................... I went to...

I miss them. Bottom line. People don't tend to ask me how I am doing anymore. I think I'm past that point of being asked. But, I started picking up the habit of asking myself. "Today, I feel ok." "Ugh, I do NOT want to get out of bed." "Today is SUCH a good day!! Can't get much better than this!" "I hate my life." It's becoming pretty normal to me now... .........................................................................  "BATTER UP!" I really don't want to do this... "Come on, go bat! It's your turn!" "No, thank you, I don't play baseball." "We are all doing it! Come on!" I can't hit the ball I can't hit the ball I don't play please don't make me do this please don't they are all watching me I can't handle the attention I'll make a mistake I'll look like a fool I can't do this I really can't I hate...

Tonight, I smashed a martini glass from the dollar store. It's kind of healing, smashing things. But I didn't just throw it to the ground. I stood on the little wall, stared at the concrete, and declared my reasoning. "Freaking A, I want them back!!" Chuck. Smash. No sound. Or at least, I thought so. But then I realized that I wasn't wearing my hearing aid. "You had a lot of aggression in your throw. It was very loud." I wish I could have heard it. I stared at the destroyed glass. It kind of felt good, seeing something broken. Later on, the phone fell from my hand. The screen shattered... It's 11:30 at night. And I am tired. But not sleepy tired. It's more than that. It's exhaustion tired. Tired of trying to be strong. Tired of trying to be ok. Tired of the constant bills and reminders. Tired of missing them. Tired the hole in my heart. Tired of feeling sorry for myself. Tired of thinking about the future. Tired of avoid...