A New Normal

As a kid, my biggest fears went in this order. 1. I would get kidnapped from my house. 2. I would be killed in my sleep. 3. Something bad would happen to my mom and dad or any of my brothers. I was never kidnapped, nor was I ever killed in my sleep. ***  The most unfigureoutable thing about tragedies is the aftermath. With that, the other most unfigureoutable thing is how long the aftermath lasts. For me, that aftermath was depression for a little while, then anxiety. Still anxiety. And the funny thing about anxiety is, well, it sort of becomes like a super power. Allow me to explain all the different super powers of anxiety. 1. You are pro at thinking about all the possible conclusions for every situation.  Most of these conclusions tend to be somewhat pessimistic, but your ability to think ahead skyrockets. This is normally the train of thought of an anxious person. Observe example A: " SHOOT! I didn't finish that assignment! Now that I didn't ...

My dad was white. My mom was black. But I didn't know it. I was young, maybe 6 or 7. I remember being in a store with Mom, and seeing 2 men talking. We were close enough to hear them talking. I couldn't tell you the exact conversation that was shared between them. I remember the look on my mom's face. It was not her normal happy or determined face. She had a look of disappointment and uneasiness. I didn't know why. She wouldn't tell me. Later that night sitting around the dinner table, my parents were talking. Ian ate happily, but I couldn't help but try to listen. I looked back and forth at their lips, trying to catch what they were talking about. I don't remember the exact conversation, but I do remember knowing she was talking about the two men. My mother said something about how one man was "black." I was confused. Mom, what does a "black man" mean?  They looked at me, then each other. Dad simply said, "It just means hi...

It was late. My husband was sound asleep, and knowing that he would be waking up in just a couple of hours for work, I didn't want to wake him. My heart was pounding, my breathing was shallow, and my body would not calm down. My panic attack was taking over my mind, it started imagining the worse.  What are the worse possible things that could happen with this new job? The worse thing could be that no one will like me. Maybe I won't be good enough. Maybe I won't be able to keep up with all the responsibilities that I am going to be putting on my shoulders.  What some people may not realize about panic attacks, especially those attacks that accompany PTSD, is that expecting the worse is not always pessimism. It's not easy to just "flip the switch." It just is.  It's how the mind is processing information. It's not accurate, it's biased, and it perceives the bias as truth. And so at this moment, I felt like every possible thing that could...

H O L A from Puerto Vallarta! *** As my husband and I were walking along the beach, I looked down and saw what looked like a black rock. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was a baby sea turtle! At first, it appeared that it wasn't moving. I believed it was dead, having been sitting in the sand for who knows how long. But then I realized that it moved its head ever so slightly. It was alive! Those who know me know that I am a sucker for animals. I picked it up and kept staring and staring. A boat watcher who had noticed us came up. He asked if it was a turtle, and we said yes. He took the turtle from my hands and inspected it, then shook his head, and said, "He will probably die." I asked if we could just put it in the ocean. He proceeded to explain to us that the turtle had to find the sea on its own. The mother turtle makes its nest, then leaves. The baby turtles hatch and they use their flippers to find the waves of the ocean, which does two things for them:...

Dear Mom, I cried a little this morning when I woke up. I wasn't sure why I was at first. Then I realized it's Mother's Day. It's like my body and brain automatically respond to these things. It's not that Mother's Day makes it any harder. I don't miss you any more than I missed you yesterday, last week, or 2 years ago. It's just more of an emphasis of just how much I miss you. Mother's Day is here, and I can't physically tell you how much I appreciate you. Everywhere, people are posting pictures of their moms. I never did that when you were alive. Selfies weren't as popular. Now the only pictures that I can use are old ones from 5 years ago, because you never liked having your picture taken. You didn't think you looked good in pictures, which was ridiculous, because you were so beautiful. People post their pictures and statuses. But I feel that me doing that wouldn't do justice. Posting statuses about how much I miss you is ...

Though I have always loved it, the meaning of Easter just never hit home for me until the Easter of 2014, just a month and a half after they died. I remember being in church, listening to all the lessons and testimonies of the Savior and his Atonement, tears streaming down my eyes, trying to hide my sniffles and still my shoulders. I was broken. I was still in pieces. But those testimonies lifted my soul that day, reminding me that there was still a hope to come. That day I realized Easter is my new favorite holiday, because it is more than just a holiday. It is what I believe to be the most important event that ever happened in the history of the world; when every bad thing that had ever happened or ever would happen was made up for, when every mistake became forgivable, when every soul had the ability to hope. Like everyone else, I’ve been reflecting a lot about the Atonement this week. Last night, I could not sleep. My mind was running, I was tossing and turning, walking ab...

Question: What does it mean to be deaf or hard-of-hearing? Answer: Simple. It means you can’t hear. Question: What it is like being deaf or hard-of-hearing? Answer: Simple. It’s like being a goldfish. It’s like being a goldfish in a bowl. It’s watching everything and feeling like being in a different dimension, always having to watch, always needing to be aware. It’s knowing that lips are moving, and hearing gibberish. It’s tired eyes and headaches. It’s being denied repeated answers with “Neverminds” and “Don’t worry about its.” It’s being on an island among foreigners. It’s laughing at the old jokes with a five to ten second delay. It’s wondering if they are whispering about you. It’s when the first thing you notice about a person is their lips, then the crookedness of their teeth. It’s training your brain to recognize the shape of the lips and the placement of the tongue. It’s a strategy. It’s repetition. It’s keeping your eyes closely engaged in the conversation, watc...

Dear Social Media, I was caught into your trap before I realized it. In fact, my mind was sucked into your world back when I was young. I won't forget. It started with a movie. "The Parent Trap," the one with Lindsey Lohan. I remember thinking the evil woman who wanted to marry the dad for his money was beautiful. Ironic, right? But it was true. She had blonde hair and deep blue eyes. She was tall, and had a perfect figure. I looked at her, then I looked at myself. I was brown-all-around: brown eyes, brown hair, brown skin. For some reason, seeing this movie caused me to notice myself more. It was just a start. It didn't consume my mind, but it opened my eyes. In middle school, self-consciousness became more apparent. Braces+new glasses= double whammy. My best friend wore cute flats and fun tops and short skirts. I wore T-shirts and jeans and tennis shoes. Her hair was long and straight. My hair was above the shoulders and tight curly. She had blue-green eyes....

It was kind of insane when I realized that what was once "my new normal" is now, honestly, is my "normal." The things that used to throw me in for a loop are expected and habitual now; family gatherings aren't as hard as they used to be. I enjoy being with the in-laws. Being married is great, and Jacob and I are figuring out our own lives and our own traditions and what-nots. I don't dwell on the past nearly as much. I'm looking forward, and the future is honestly quite bright. Which is why now, when I feel sad or frustrated, it kind of throws me off. I realized this was happening a lot recently; I'd would randomly experience feelings of sadness, or numbness, or even anger, irritation, and frustration. The strange part was, I had no reason to. It always happened when things were ok, or when things were going smoothly. Suddenly, I couldn't stand the idea of being around people, so I'd hide in the back room when people came over and make ...