A New Normal

It is times like these when I just need to remember to count my many blessings. You know those times. Those days where your first class drags because the monotone speaker drones on and on and on about things that you can just look on a paper yourself. Those times where you forgot an important assignment, so you can't even be in class, because there is no point. Those times where you work most of your week, not being able to do homework until later, but then, being so exhausted, which already adds to the mental, and not to mention, physical exhaustion of just living. There. That felt better. I needed to get that out. I'm not perfect. And I'm not great all the time. I think that makes me secretly sad. I want to be great all the time. I want to feel the way that people view me to feel; spunky, lively, independent, adventurous, happy go-lucky. I want to be like my heroes. I want to always be smiling. I want to be positive. But, more often than not, I'm just not. ...

December 25, 2013 was the last time I saw them. It was via Skype, for which I am eternally grateful. I remember being so excited to talk to them and see their faces. Keegs hair was out of control long and curly. Liam looked not so little anymore. They wanted to talk to me the most. They wanted to hear all about the mission. I told them all that I could. I showed them their sign names. I talked to Mom and Dad next. I told them about my mission. I updated them on things that they asked about. But, I didn't tell them too much. Because I knew I'd see them just a few short months later. "Man, I can't wait to serve a mission." Words spoken by Keegan Parrish. I realized something today. Unless you have served a mission, it is more difficult to listen to the missionary stories. Maybe not hard, but I've come to realize that the people who have served missions are the ones that really connect to your stories. They know what you've gone through. They un...

October is a lot like July. Which is a shame, because October is my favorite month. It's so pretty. We were sitting together, not saying anything for a while. I was too upset and depressed to talk. I had been crying a little. He asked, "What is going through your head? My response surprised me. Nothing you don't know. Just the normal stuff. ... This is just normal me. The feelings I feel are becoming more and more "normal." The home that I live in is becoming my "normal" comfortable place of refuge. The thoughts that I fight everyday is just a "normal" everyday inner battle that I have within myself. I want to defy this normal. .......   A couple of days ago, I felt impressed to read John 21. I thought that there was something that I was supposed to get out of it, that some scripture would pop right out at me. Maybe it would be a life changing phenomenon that I needed.     But, nothing happened. It was strange.   ...

I believe in fate. I don't believe in coincidence. I believe that when something sporadically comes into your head, you're meant to remember it, and ponder it. There is something that someone wants you to remember. So, last night, when this memory came into my head at 3 in the morning, I knew it wasn't just a coincidence. And when it was still there when I woke up at 8 in the morning, I knew there was something I was suppose to remember. It's one that I hold dear and near to my heart, one that I've shared many times, and feel that I need to share again. I very well possibly may have shared this before. But I hope to share something new. Something that can help someone out there, as it has helped me today. ... June of 2009 I was 17. It was my last ward youth conference for my church. We were at Scout Mountain, Camp Taylor. There were a lot of youth, and a few leaders. Whoever was in charge that day had planned an activity. The activity was suppose to b...

Some days are hard. Some days, the tears keep coming and won't stop. It's a never ending gush. There are breaks, but they always come back to finish the job. Some days, the body is achy. Muscles are sore from walking, spinning, working. They scream for rest. Yet even rest doesn't seem to cover it. Some days, the road of nostalgia is long and tiring. But it's impossible to get off that road. Because if you get off that path, where will you go? Some days, even just to smile takes all the effort that is required, let alone being happy. It would be so much easier to just be angry and sad and depressed. Some days, "Why?" is always going through the mind. ... Today was not a some day day. Today, the weather was beautiful. Autumn is here. One day, it will be winter. An entire cycle of seasons will have run its course, and the year mark will come. But, it's not here yet. So, be happy today. Today, the leaves were brown and red and orange and yellow...

It started out as a normal day. Normal morning. I actually was going to be on time! Class one was normal. Class two was normal. Lunch was awesome! And I was happy. Class three started. She is so cute, with her girly dresses, and tights. She's always smiling, her hands always waving. She always has to have a pen in her hand. As she is waving her left hand, pen zooming with it, something caught my eye. Her wedding ring. It's bigger. It stands out. And once again, my mind instinctively takes a trip down memory lane. Only, this memory was not one I was anticipating. It's just like the movies. Once you start thinking, you can't stop. Once you're there, you're not where you were before. Once that door is cracked, it will swing wide open, and it's hard to turn around. .................. I'm at the funeral again. Keegan's and Liam's casket were already closed. Tears had been welling in my eyes, and I had already pushed everyone out of my ...

I went to Seattle this past weekend. It's been years. Last time I went, it was with them. So many memories... .............................    One of my best of friends got sealed to the love of her life. It was wonderful, being there, with her, and him, and with friends and family. Two weeks ago, I went to my trainer's wedding sealing. They got married early in the morning. It was wonderful, being there, with her, and him, and with friends and family. In three more weeks, I will go to my closest companion's wedding sealing. It will be wonderful, being there, with her, and him, and with friends and family. While I'm there, in the sealing room, I tear up. Most people may think it's because I'm so happy for these guys. That is true! I am so ridiculously happy. But, I also can't help but think... My parents won't be there. Will it still be wonderful, being there, with me, and him, and friends and family? But not with them? If I get ...