A New Normal

JULY 22, 2014 **EXPECTATION** Best friend and I will be up all night, excited, maybe crying. We will drive to the airport together. We will sleep on the plane. Maybe, if we were up the night before. Both our families will be there, together, with their balloons and "WELCOME HOME" signs. We will sign. Throw them off. When we can't stand it anymore, we will run to them. I will run to them. Hug them all. Probably Mom first. Mothers get first call. Then, the boys. Then, Dad. Say goodbye to best friend. Drive home. Tell them everything.   *******************************   JULY 22, 2014  ** REALITY** Wake up. Clean. Apply for classes. Appointment. Work. No hugs. No brothers. No Mom. No Dad. Drive around alone.   ...... Sometimes, you just want to escape. No, I'm not talking about going on a trip, or going to another state. I'm talking about that confinement that you feel by just being you. The realization th...

When I was really little, I had a bell collection. It all started years ago, in a random little gift souvenir shop in West Yellowstone National Park. I felt the need and desire to buy SOMETHING. Something that would forever remind me of this, in my little 8 or 9 year old mind, best trip ever. I walked up and down the aisles, searching and observing. And that's when I saw it. It was big. It was white. It had paintings of buffalo and deer and an eagle. " West Yellowstone " was printed nicely in yellow. The glass was thick. And I could even hear the jingle when I rang it. It was perfect in my eyes. In my excitement, I ran up to show my Dad. He could see how excited I was, and suggested that I start a collection. Anywhere that I go in the world, I would buy a bell, as a token and memoir. Pure genius! And thus, my amazing bell collection began! Anywhere we went that was outside of Pocatello, Idaho, I would buy a bell. Big ones, little ones, tall ones, small ones. ...

"What are you up to these days?" Living life. Figuring it out. That's what I've started to say every time I'm asked. But hey. It's better than, "How are you?" ........................................................................................................................................... "Asking 'why' can be a frustrating, and even dangerous, thing to do." Wise words of a wise seminary teacher. The walls have started growing. I can feel them being built around me. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm tired of the questions. Maybe I'm tired of the answers. There are days when I close up. It happens more often than not. I don't think I mean to. It just happens. There are days when after I've held it in for so long, I blow up. And scare people away. I don't think I mean to. It just happens. There are days where I will randomly cry for no reason at all. A song. A picture. A me...

Life is unfigureoutable. So, why is it that I am still trying to figure it out? ......................................................................................................................................................... They were so young. I really miss Keegs and Lemur. A lot. It's not that I love them more or less. I think they were just the most shocking to me. They still had a whole lot of living to do. Sometimes, I feel really cheated. Which is probably not the best way to feel. But I'm beginning to understand that it doesn't really matter if it's wrong or if it's right. It's how I feel. It just is what it is. It was during that year that I was gone that they both began to really grow. When I left, they were just kids. Well. When they died, they were just kids... ...................................................................................................................................................... I went to...

I miss them. Bottom line. People don't tend to ask me how I am doing anymore. I think I'm past that point of being asked. But, I started picking up the habit of asking myself. "Today, I feel ok." "Ugh, I do NOT want to get out of bed." "Today is SUCH a good day!! Can't get much better than this!" "I hate my life." It's becoming pretty normal to me now... .........................................................................  "BATTER UP!" I really don't want to do this... "Come on, go bat! It's your turn!" "No, thank you, I don't play baseball." "We are all doing it! Come on!" I can't hit the ball I can't hit the ball I don't play please don't make me do this please don't they are all watching me I can't handle the attention I'll make a mistake I'll look like a fool I can't do this I really can't I hate...

Tonight, I smashed a martini glass from the dollar store. It's kind of healing, smashing things. But I didn't just throw it to the ground. I stood on the little wall, stared at the concrete, and declared my reasoning. "Freaking A, I want them back!!" Chuck. Smash. No sound. Or at least, I thought so. But then I realized that I wasn't wearing my hearing aid. "You had a lot of aggression in your throw. It was very loud." I wish I could have heard it. I stared at the destroyed glass. It kind of felt good, seeing something broken. Later on, the phone fell from my hand. The screen shattered... It's 11:30 at night. And I am tired. But not sleepy tired. It's more than that. It's exhaustion tired. Tired of trying to be strong. Tired of trying to be ok. Tired of the constant bills and reminders. Tired of missing them. Tired the hole in my heart. Tired of feeling sorry for myself. Tired of thinking about the future. Tired of avoid...

3 months = 1/4 of a year = X amount of a lifetime. Time is weird. Why is it that when we want Time to go fast, he tends to slow down? Almost like he's saying, "Look, I can only do so much, and I can't please everyone!" But then, when we want him to slow down, he overworks, overtime, much too fast? Yet, it's all the same. 24 hours. 1,440 minutes. 86,400 seconds everyday. It's a weird concept to me. Just plain weird. On Memorial Day, Time hit me hard. He reminded me how much I need to do. And he forced my mind recall how much time I possibly have before I will see them again. And looking down at each of their designated spot in the ground, I could almost feel him say, "Life is shorter than you will ever realize." Yesterday, Time hit me hard. I have an unknown amount of it. He likes to tease me. ... (It's no fun realizing that when you want to visit your family, you have to go to the cemetery...) I realized that I was secretly angry....